Wrang Wordler / @thing_finder
I’ve attempted to be funny and famous on the internet approximately 33,228 times.
I know this for a fact because that’s the number of tweets I’ve floated under an anonymous handle on the World Wide Web over the past five years. (Just like we used to do as kids with those folded paper boats that sailed about three feet on the creek and then got stuck on the other bank or hung up in a fallen limb.)
That’s basically what happens to my tweets as well. I’ll write the funniest damn thing a human being has ever said in under 140 characters, press "Send," and then watch that little gem of genius languish under the withering heat of public indifference until it burns up into plain old nothingness.
Some uninformed people might say that tweeting 33,228 times is a huge waste of human potential and precious life. They’re right. I’m glad we got that out of the way.
Several of the tweeters I started out with now have 30K, 50K, or even 100K+ followers. A few of them landed book deals or starring roles in their own Netflix TV shows. Most get published in @HuffPost so much they might as well be correspondents.
Me? Someone from The Office once liked a tweet I sent during the Emmys, and Steve Carrell’s daughter follows me, which she probably forgot about and will fix soon. Also, I have @’ed Buzz Aldrin so many times without a reply I might as well have been to the moon myself.
Settling—that’s my new life and Twitter strategy for fame and fortune. I have a few followers, occasionally I’m retweeted, and I get to express all my aberrant political views about social justice without worrying that they’ll actually make a difference somewhere.
If you want a taste of what following Wrang Wordler / @thing_finder would be like, here’s my "Best Of." Frankly, no one could ever accuse me of not trying:
— If you've never used duct tape to hold on part of a car, I don't understand your kind of wealth.
— Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said "So sorry man. Hope things work out."
— The size up from my current T-shirt is called Poncho.
— I love making plans. Or, as I call them, Disappointment Starter Packs.
— TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
— How much Hershey's Chocolate Syrup before it's really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
— Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.
— The older I get, the more...Forgot where I was headed with that.
— I flossed today and found our hamster.
— When I was a kid, our first TV was just a box with squirrels in it.
— The difference between a hoarder and a collector is shelving.
— My wife manages our money now, or as I call it "We Always Have Electricity."
— I shop at Costco because I want to be outlived by my toiletries.
— I am never happier than when something I am supposed to do is cancelled.
— Not to brag, but I'm the first person in my family to choose college over falsified disability claims.
— Unless a shark gets on my couch, I will never die from a shark attack.
— At my age, I just walk up to the pharmacist and say whatcha got?
— At my age, every bike is a vicious cycle.
—Because of all the interruptions, my wife and I have decided to talk when the kids go to college.
P.S. This account is rated PG-13 for references to actual life as most of us live it every day.